Two Good People, Two Different Stories — Part One

You want to blame him. You have a whole list of reasons, and they are valid. Your friends and family even weigh in sometimes and they agree with you. You are both convinced of your position.

Storm clouds are brewing…you can feel it. In fact, you can even predict its approach. You are making sandwiches in the kitchen. Mark comes down ready for work and plans to drop the kids off at school on the way. You dread what’s coming next. Kids dawdling at the table, Dad getting impatient. Not today!

You decide to intervene by prompting the kids to hurry up and finish breakfast. You lower your voice, so as not to draw attention. “Guys, let’s get going. Want me to put your toast in a baggie so you can finish it on the road?” You tried to speak softly, but to no avail. Mark overhears and starts. 

“Listen to your mother!” The tone feels unnecessarily harsh. He continues, “This is ridiculous. You’ve been pushing those eggs around your plate for long enough now.” With one deft movement, he lifts the plate and unceremoniously dumps the gooey remains into the sink. 

And then the dark clouds of resentment begin to build. “Why can’t he just be patient for once. What’s his damn hurry anyway? There is still plenty of time.” Of course you don’t say this. You aren’t an idiot. But you can’t totally help yourself so you mumble softly, almost under your breath… “It’s ok, Mark. They’ve only been down here a few minutes. Chill, ok. They need their breakfast.” The tone is soft and almost pleading.

But what is heard isn’t soft and pleading. It is heard as a clap of thunder announcing your defense of them and abandonment of him. And so the battle begins. 

He feels unsupported. “You always defend them. You know you do! These kids are going to be soft and expect to be waited on hand and foot at this rate.” He glowers as he raises his voice accusing you of treason.

You know how this will play out. Angry words exchanged that can’t be taken back. Ruminating and texting from the car, then silence…the dreaded cold shoulder that can go on for days. You almost prefer the hurtful words. At least it feels then, like he cares enough to be mad.

Meteorologists can predict the weather. They are good at what they do and had one been present in the kitchen this morning, he would have accurately predicted a thunderstorm with ensuing cloud burst (your tears falling into the dishwater). No one blames the town or county when a storm emerges. There are elements at play: unstable atmosphere, dense heavy air below, cold dry air above. It doesn’t become a thunderstorm without a trigger. When it comes to the weather, the triggers are, fronts, terrain and cool air over water. In relationship the triggers are, judgement, accusation, defensiveness and friction. The unstable atmosphere is almost always sourced in resentment, disappointment and unmet expectations.

Not much you can do to change the weather. But what you CAN do in relationship is create an atmosphere of openness and curiosity. Don’t anticipate the worst. Prepare for something better. “I wonder what the kids and Mark need to make the morning transition positive?” Get creative and come up with something better. Kick it off by taking positive action rather than staying in passive anticipation of the worst.

The very first most important thing to know is this… Everything changes if you show up differently. A storm can’t form if all the elements aren’t there. Neither can the argument. It takes courage and she is nothing if not courageous. So, choose to be open, curious, courageous and show up in an unanticipated way.

You got this. It doesn’t have to be hard. It starts one morning, in a familiar kitchen with a new choice.

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If this resonates, you may need a weather forecaster. I’ve been predicting relationship weather for a long time. Send me an email or schedule a call if you’d like some help along the way, sydneyashland@gmail.com