Are you currently experiencing Holiday Fog, you know…fear, obligation and guilt? It doesn’t matter whether it’s an employer or a badly behaving family member, you deserve better. Using fear, obligation and guilt to control others is emotional blackmail or at the very best highly conflictual. You can do something about it! Stop, observe and strategize.

1. Notice the controlling behaviors
2. Assess the damage that has been done
3. Work to self-protect
4. Involve others and ask for help
5. Acquire some tools like scripting. Prepare in advance so that you are not taken unawares.
6. Become resourced
7. Set boundaries
8. Stope the destructive relationship

Boundaries and Manipulation:

Manipulator’s tactics only work if you are afraid, nervous or off-balance when dealing with them. This is what manipulators (conscious or unconscious) are going for. They WANT you to feel disempowered, for this results in them gaining and maintaining control. They believe that if they are in control, they will get their needs met. How should you respond?

• Positive and negative reinforcement that is CONSISTENT is the number one way to deal with manipulative communication styles. Be clear about your boundaries, your expectations and how you will be showing up. 

• Don’t take it personally! Manipulators are merely trying to get their needs met and don’t have healthy ways of expression.

• Ask probing, thoughtful questions. Get to the underneath of what they need. “So what I hear you asking for is ______. Can you tell me more about what you are feeling and why you need this?”

• Offer consistent solutions that are direct, easy to understand and connected to natural consequences. “I want to help you with your pain. Here are the options we have to help you with your pain.” List the options and the positive and negative consequences associated with the choices. Don’t equivocate. 

• Be boundaried, caring and consistent. The number one reassurance that a manipulator needs is to know their underlying needs will be met. You heard them. You want to help them get their needs met. Here are the options. The options will never change. They are consistent, as are you.
 What to watch for:

  • Sarcasm or manipulation through humor
  • Avoiding direct communication (not answering/change the subject)
  • Project onto you something they are responsible for (ask questions)
  • Lying and distorting (be assertive and state the truth-gently)
  • Demeanor and words don’t match actions (reflect what you see with “I’m noticing statements.”

You deserve to have a holiday season filled with clarity…NOT FOG.